What to say when you don’t know what to say
Guest series special for World Mental Health Day 2026
By Lara D, youth guest author
Exploring the language of mental health, and why sometimes, the most helpful thing you can do is just listen.
When someone tells you they’re struggling, it can be difficult to know what to say. Our first instinct is usually to try to make things better as quickly as possible. We reach for reassurance, a silver lining, or a piece of unsolicited advice that we hope will help, even if we’re not quite sure how. More often than not, it sounds a little like this:
‘You’ll be fine.’
‘Everyone feels like that sometimes.’
‘It’s probably just a phase.’
‘At least it’s not as bad as [insert tragic event here]…’
You’re not saying these things because you don’t care. Usually, it’s quite the opposite, but you don’t know how to fill the heavy silence now sitting on the coffee table between you. But to the person sitting across from you, those well-meaning phrases can leave them feeling brushed aside. What they hear isn’t ‘I’m here for you.’ It’s: ‘Please wrap this up quickly, because your reality makes me uncomfortable.’
1. The Problem With Minimising
There is a difference between reassuring someone and accidentally dismissing what they are feeling. Telling someone that things will get better might be intended to give them hope. But if they’re finding it difficult to get out of bed, eat a meal, go to school/work, or even just enjoy the things they usually would, ‘you’ll be fine’ can feel like you aren’t actually seeing what they’re going through. Comparisons can be equally unhelpful. ‘Other people have it worse’ might be an attempt to put things into perspective, but it sends the message that you have to be at rock bottom to deserve support. Distress isn’t a competition, and there is no scale for suffering.
Besides, mental health is messy. There isn’t always a neat diagnosis, a clear trigger, or an obvious solution. But you shouldn’t have to understand exactly what’s happening in your own head before you’re allowed to talk about it.
2. What Can W e Say Instead?
Rather than telling someone how they should feel, we can make space for them to tell us how they actually feel. Here’s how you can swap the automatic responses for something a little more genuine:
Instead of: ‘You’ll be fine.’
Try: ‘I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Do you want to talk about it, or just sit together?’
Instead of: ‘Everyone feels like that sometimes.‘
Try: ‘I can understand why you’re feeling like this. Do you want to tell me more about it?’
Instead of ‘It’s probably just a phase.’
Try: ‘Maybe it will pass, but that doesn’t make it any less difficult right now.’
Instead of: ‘At least it’s not as bad as [insert tragic event here]…’
Try: ‘I’m not going to tell you it could be worse. Tell me what it feels like for you.’
And, instead of immediately offering solutions:
Try: ‘What would be most helpful right now? Listening, advice, or a distraction?’
These responses do not require you to understand exactly what someone is going through. In fact, they acknowledge that you might not understand, but that you’re willing to listen. And sometimes, feeling heard can be the first step to feeling better.
3. Drop The Pressure to ‘Fix’
Conversations about mental health can come with a lot of pressure to say the ‘right’ thing. Once someone tells you they’re struggling, you can feel as though you’re responsible for making them feel better. But showing up for someone doesn’t mean having the perfect answer. You aren’t their therapist, and you don’t need to be. Sometimes support looks much more ordinary: it’s dropping off a meal, sitting in quiet silence on the couch, checking in via text the next morning, or helping research professionals if they bring it up. It is also okay to admit that you don’t know what to say. Saying, ‘I honestly don’t know how to make this better, but I’m here’ can be far more meaningful than a piece of advice that someone didn’t ask for.
4. Take it seriously
None of this means that every difficult day needs to be diagnosed. Sometimes, you are simply having a crappy day, and crying and hiding under the duvet are a sign of being human, not a formal mental health condition. But we do not need to determine whether someone’s feelings are ‘serious enough’ before we take them seriously. Words matter. So even if you don’t know how to make someone feel better, you now know how to make sure they don’t have to feel it alone.
About the author:
Lara is a third year English student at the University of Cambridge. Since starting university, she developed an interest in journalism through writing for Varsity, Cambridge’s student newspaper, in the Film & TV section. Her experience with mental health advocacy began earlier during sixth form, when she was part of the student leadership mental health team, focusing on creating spaces where people felt heard and supported. She has kindly offered to write a series of articles for GRIT to bring these experiences together, particularly as she navigates the transition from adolescence into adulthood, and to contribute to honest, accessible conversations around mental health.