I can’t lie that I sometimes feel pressure to be the ‘perfect’ parent.
I’ve set up a charity to support young people with mental health and I wonder if people assume that because I’ve done this I must be a wonderful parent and my children are perfect. I’d like to set the record straight here – I’m learning about adolescence as I go along and trying to share that information in a way that people might find helpful. I am also far from a perfect parent. I have a lot of balls to juggle, balls get dropped all the time and I am also human. I’m also historically rubbish at boundaries. This stems from being a bit of a people pleaser and not liking conflict.
This has all come to a head with my fourth child. You may recall from my last post that he was a surprise addition to our family. I do know how babies are made but there is a background story as to why he was so unexpected plus the fact I was 42 when I actually had him. Trying to meet the needs of three older children and work three different jobs combined with the fact that my husband works long hours as a Consultant and it is safe to say that my youngest has effectively been raised as a grandchild aka without boundaries. We adopt the path of least resistance with him and due to his ability to chant or tantrum for a long period of time he usually gets what he wants (I’d like to point out that he is also an absolute delight who loves life and has also brought an incredible amount of joy amongst the chaos to our family).
Typically, he likes to hold me hostage in the morning whilst he watches his beloved diggers. If I try to get any chores done he protests and won’t let me go. As I sat one morning in the summer holidays watching diggers simultaneously bored, I decided things needed to change. I started with my scenery and brought some very good value kitchen lights to replace the ones that were here when we moved in over 10 years ago. I was then given about two minutes respite to get myself some breakfast during which I made a gruesome discovery. The week before I had been to Costco to pick up a cheque for GRIT and had bought 48 Boost bars for the summer holidays as we were early and I felt bad being there without purchasing anything (see – people pleaser). Imagine my horror when I realised that they were ALL GONE. I felt so bad that I hadn’t realised until now and that my children had been eating so much ultra processed food. I felt guilty so I did the only reasonable thing that a guilty mother can do and got mad.
Some detective work and basic maths narrowed the culprits down to three possibilities. I woke the three possibilities up and confronted them with the empty box and wrappers that I had found in various places (behind the sofa, under cushions etc). Everyone denied their role as allegedly we had had a lot of friends round in the previous week.who had all participated in the consumption of boost bars (the amount of gaslighting that goes on with teenagers is next level). I decided that some boundaries needed to be put in place for my own sanity more than anything. I began with the Boost eaters - I had always been very reluctant to put in boundaries around food because of fear of eating disorders and food shaming but I informed them there would be some new rules. Then I put in a boundary with the toddler who really, really didn’t like that. 20 minutes later a concerned neighbour came around to see what was going on as he had been screaming for that amount of time and I felt even more guilt. Then the cupboard in the utility room, holding essential household items, fell off the wall. It had been solid for the last 10 years, holding essential items for household maintenance, and it finally broke under the weight. Metaphor much??
Later on, I was reflecting how hard it can be to put boundaries in place. This was definitely something we struggled with in the early days of GRIT when we wanted to say yes to everyone. However, we learnt some hard lessons along the way that potentially jeopardised our ability to keep both vulnerable young people and staff safe so we had to reassess who we are able to safely support (find out more here). It’s hard saying no, especially when it may resonate with the unmet needs of your own childhood and adolescence. In a way it can feel like you are saying no to yourself. It helps though when you come back to your values. We really focus on this with young people in our referees corner and coming back to your why helps you to put healthy boundaries in place that honour you. It’s a few weeks on since BoostGate and my youngest has started nursery which has helped me feel less of a hostage. The others are back at school, meaning they are not as tempted to snack all day. The cupboard has not been replaced yet but we will replace with some more suitable shelves to help spread the load. And I have some new light shades to look at which will always act as a visual reminder of the need for healthy boundaries.
